This article was co-authored by Brianna Zigler and Ciara Wardlow and is part of our Decade Rewind. Keep up as we look back at the best, worst, and otherwise interesting movies and shows of the 2010s. This particular article contains strong language and adult themes. You’ve been warned and/or promised, depending on your perspective.
“What is a horny film?” you might be asking. A horny film is not just a film about sex – a horny film is a cinematic state of being. It’s a feeling, it’s a mood, it’s the undercurrent of an otherwise completely non-sexual film or one which includes not a single sexual act. A horny film is a film that wants you to physically fuck it and be fucked by it in turn, but it might not necessarily be telling you outright. It’s in the camera work, the music, in the looks shared between characters and the subtext written underneath the surface of the narrative, like Reynolds Woodcock’s little words written into the fabric of his clothes. Except, the little notes in these films say “fuck me, please,” in gold cursive threading.
So, we consulted Twitter in addition to cross-referencing our own lists in order to come up with something that felt reflective of not just our own perspectives, but of the cinematic horniness at large. In this list, you will find things such as bestiality, mermaid-fucking, chest vaginas, and cumshots in space. There’s tentacle porn, nightmare dance orgies, and cannibalism, too. But there are also longing looks shared between star-crossed lovers, between angry family members, and starving lighthouse keepers. This list is our decisive ranking of the twenty-five horniest films of the decade. Please do your best not to fuck it.
25. Take This Waltz
Sarah Polley’s powerful PSA about how horniness can (maybe) ruin your life is a cut above your standard cautionary tale because it’s not stumping sexual repression or shaming want. Instead, it comments on the fickle and often fleeting nature of desire. Young Margot (Michelle Williams) is comfortable in her married life to Lou (Seth Rogen), but there’s an itch that’s not getting scratched. She even defies her natural soft-spoken tendencies to attempt to seduce her husband, but unfortunately, he is a chef horny for his upcoming chicken cookbook and therefore birds of the non-euphemistic variety alone. But then there’s Daniel (Luke Kirby), an artist, rickshaw driver and (in)conveniently located next-door neighbor, a snack who’s very interested in being eaten. Margot makes some life choices accordingly. The film is all about capturing Margot’s struggle to make these decisions as opposed to judging the decisions she makes, and as poor Margot is very damn horny this film is also very damn horny. (Ciara Wardlow)
24. Spring Breakers
Spring Breakers is an orgy of sunshine, violence, and, well, orgies. Inspired by the Girls Gone Wild college vacation culture and inimitable high-octane insanity of Florida, Harmony Korine‘s story of bad girls gone worse is designed to titillate. Ashley Benson, Selena Gomez, Vanessa Hudgens, and Rachel Korine star as a group of young women whose neon dreams turn bloody when they hook up with a shady dude named Alien (James Franco). Korine uses crowd shots featuring random nude women so much and for such long stretches that the film circles around from sexy to objectifying to near-parody and back again. You’d think those clips would be the standouts in terms of sexiness, but the award for “most thirsty scene” goes to the inexplicably hot moment during which some of our spring breakers force Alien to deepthroat his own possibly loaded gun. On paper, it sounds horrifying, but in practice it’s the moment during which we realize we don’t have to worry about these women who always seem to be on the edge of exploitation, as they reveal that they’re always perfectly–and impulsively, and sadistically–in control. (Valerie Ettenhoffer)
23. Suspiria
Chest vagina. Need I say more? (Brianna Zigler)
22. Stoker
Is there any greater sexual tension than that between an uncle and his dead brother’s widow, or between that same uncle and his dead brother’s widow’s daughter? Huh? Wait. What do you mean that sounds pretty fucked up? Actually, Park Chan-wook’s 2013 psychological, Hitchcockian thriller, in which a car accident leaves unstable mother Evelyn (Nicole Kidman) and daughter India (Mia Wasikowska) reeling from the loss of their beloved patriarch, Richard (Dermott Mulroney), is far from something that could be considered any type of bizarre or sexually deviant. You see, in the wake of their recent tragedy, the Stoker family receives a warm and welcome surprise in the form of Richard’s well-traveled and creepily charismatic brother, Charlie (Matthew Goode), and it’s all hugs and smiles from there on out. The film employs the three vital M’s of cinema: Murder, Masturbation, and Mental Institutions, all coming together to create a particularly wholesome film about the strength of family, the lust derived from a healthy amount of paranoia, and the things carried with us by blood. That is, being hot and horny for killing people. (Brianna Zigler)
21. Professor Marston and the Wonder Women
Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: married professor gets the hots for a pretty student. If you’re anything like me, this is the point where you go, oh god, not this again. But wait, there’s a twist: the prof’s wife (also a professor) is also into the younger woman. And the younger woman is into both of them, too. Did I mention it’s a biopic? Yeah, the individuals in question are William and Elizabeth Marston (Luke Evans and Rebecca Hall) and Olive Byrne (Bella Heathcote), who all contributed to the development of the polygraph, more commonly known as the “lie detector test,” and later went on to create Wonder Woman—a character who, as this film so delightfully shows, is equally rooted in female empowerment and fetish art. Sometimes, truth is hornier than fiction, and Angela Robinson’s criminally underrated biopic deserves major kudos for breathing new, deeply horny life into the notoriously stuffy biopic genre. (Ciara Wardlow)
20. Call Me By Your Name
It’s hard to remember the days before Timmy inhabited cinema’s soul—before that cute, wiry, curly-haired, and adorably insecure tween named Elio swept the loins of the nation with his boyish behavior and chronic adoration for literature. Luca Guadagnino’s queer, generational gap drama was the perfect stage for Timothée Chalamet to leap from unknown supporting actor to a-masculine heartthrob. Guadagnino inundates us with epicurean imagery that moodily toes the line between taut and loose, creating a constant Dionysian tension. A shot of Elio and Oliver caressing each other in the grass without a care in the world is contrasted with the fervent shame Elio feels after finishing in a peach and hiding his face as Oliver sucks up the cum. The sunny Italian summer in the country setting gives a great excuse for rampant shirtlessness, glistening backs, and the clapping of bare bodies while always harboring the raw energy of a fraught fling. (Luke Hicks)
19. The Beguiled
It’s late in the Civil War and Martha Farnsworth’s (Nicole Kidman’s) school for girls has seen better days. Most of the students and teachers have left—and all of the slaves, because, y’know, there’s no one left to stop them. So it’s just down to Miss Farnsworth, one teacher, Edwina (Kirsten Dunst), and five students, including the teenage Alicia (Elle Fanning), all on their lonesome. And then one of the girls goes mushroom hunting but finds an injured Union deserter, McBurney (Colin Farrell) instead. She brings him home, and asks, “can we keep him?” So now you’ve got a house full of very bored, red-blooded women with nowhere else to go and a weak-willed Colin Farrell just sitting there. Like candy. Things get real horny, real fast. (Ciara Wardlow)
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