In 2014, Gareth Edwards’ god-tier Godzilla remake saw the titular, towering bad boy team up with people to defeat a uniting enemy: a pair of gigantic mosquito-looking motherfuckers (no, I will look up their proper name) that were making life hard for everyone involved – it’s not ALWAYS about us humans, guys. Due to his sheer, unparalleled girth, Godzilla proved to be a friend and ally in the fight against these calamitous Kaiju, and from what we’ve seen in trailers, it looks like Michael Dougherty’s upcoming monster mash will prove to utilize Godzilla’s protective nature further. Following the Edwards film and 2017’s Kong: Skull Island, and prior to the penultimate Godzilla vs. Kong to finish off what I’m going to call the Large Lads Cinematic Universe, Godzilla: King of the Monsters will see Godzilla square off with the three-headed super-hydra King Ghidorah, who is large and mean as opposed to merely large.
But Godzilla will be joined by a few other big pals as well, some explicit (giant volcanic pteranodon, Rodan; giant moth, aptly-named Mothra), while others are yet unknown and have been only hinted at vaguely in the trailer. Though the allegiance of these other “titans,” as the film wants to call them, is still unknown, Mothra has typically been portrayed as a guardian angel for earth since her first appearance in 1961. Thus, it can be surmised that us weak, useless humans will have at least both Godzilla and Mothra on our side against the evil forces of Fluffy the three-headed dog. But now that we’ve all got a hankering for the promises and benefits of a few good tall boys, you might be wondering what other large creatures from cinema history would prove themselves to be equally worthy comrades – or maybe just pals you could go out for coffee with some time. No? You’re not? That’s too bad here is my list.
12. Aragog (Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets)
It’s true that Aragog intended for his hoard of spider-babies to gobble up two teenage boys, but before that unfortunate incident, Aragog had proven a solid friend for his keeper, Hagrid. Hagrid raised him since he was an itty bitty baby, and when he got to be about as big as a dog, he scampered off into the Forbidden Forest – albeit, after being Tom Riddle’s scapegoat for the Basilisk murders – and remained there until his death (RIP to a real one). If you could’ve gotten Aragog on your good side, I can imagine having him, and his brood at your disposal could’ve been fairly advantageous, especially if you’re living at Hogwarts. No need to fear the other nightmare creatures lurking in the Forbidden Forest, your big azzz spider can fuck ’em right up. Maybe I should ask Hagrid where he got that spider, so that, instead of walking around a forest full of monsters, I can walk around city streets at night without worrying about men kidnapping me!
11. Mother (Braindead)
Your mother just wants what’s best for you, and what could be better than hiding from the world in her oozing, undead womb? Lionel Cosgrove’s mother, Vera, goes through an ungodly transformation in the splatstick horror Braindead after being bitten by the corrupted Sumatran Rat-Monkey (coincidentally, captured from Skull Island!). Eventually, although not without Lionel attempting to sedate her with a ton of animal tranquilizers, Vera becomes a towering, reanimated behemoth with a retractable womb intent on absorbing Lionel back into it. And, honestly, that doesn’t sound like a bad idea in retrospect. What better way to ignore your problems and run away from the corruption of the world than by using the excuse “sorry, I’m trapped in my mother’s womb” and really mean it? Sometimes the best solution is to allow your giant zombie mom to slorp you back inside her body in a perversion against God. A boy’s best friend really is his mother.
10. Mutant Animals (Rampage)
A flying wolf, an alligator with tusks, a gorilla that’s….white? But all of them are huge as fuck, and that’s what makes everything worth it. Based on an old school video game, Rampage may play out like a fever dream that will make you feel nauseous about the state of the film industry, but in a perfect world, the building-sized mutant animals within it would actually exist. Though these big critters have been messed with to respond aggressively to a specific radio frequency, once mellowed out it would be a fucking party. You’d be That Guy with the large puppy with skin wings and the mondo gator, and the gorilla that can swallow a lady whole in a single gulp (even though he’s supposed to be a good guy?). You’d be permanently un-fuck-with-able and eternally cool. Oversized mutant animals are in, and everything else is out – literally because they’ll destroy it all.
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